A Journal Entry

A Journal Entry

Read This If You’re Feeling Ungrateful

I wrote this while journaling one morning. I was feeling lost, but not sure why. Everything was exactly as it had been (thank you lockdown), but my mind still managed to wander somewhere else. My motivation had hibernated and the joy I thought I had once cultivated for good had disappeared – the mandela effect in action. I could have sworn it was here a second ago…

When I feel like this, I know it’s best to write.

You may have heard of “brain dumping” or “morning pages” or “free writing“. I basically just putting my hand to paper and keep going until I can make sense of it. Or of something. Sometimes, what comes out is the same thing that came out the day before. My fears, my schedule, a gratitiude list, a resentment, my hopes for the future, an idea I have, affirmations (it’s a great tool to hype myself up) – but sometimes, what comes out is something more powerful. Something really helpful. Something I had no idea was in me, and when I finally stop and read it back I think, ohhh that was what I needed to connect with today.

If you’re feeling ungrateful, put your hand to the paper and ask yourself what you need. Then write, and listen.

Wednesday February 24th 09:45am

Let fear counsel you in what you can conquer.

Allow judgement and anger to guide you to what parts of yourself you still need to love.

Doubt can be your signal that you need to connect with others, with yourself, or with your intentions.

To know oneself, and love oneself, is to know and love everyone else too.

Let your thinking brain take some time off. Just osberve. Zoom out.

Look around at all that is happening, and take a moment to acknowledge how amazing it is that you are here. That the people in your life are here. That we have all gotten to this point.

There is such beauty in moment to moment living and you can see it if you choose to.

Existence is a miracle that I cannot comprehend, so I sit in awe instead.

The sun on my face.

The sound of people I do not know, but can recognise, because we are all the same.

The feeling of my chest expanding as I breath, unconciously, because my body works by default to keep me living.

The wind on my cheek that I cannot see, or hold, but can feel and hear somehow.

Senses. All working simultaneously to give me this moment which is my life. My experience.

The colours. Millions of shades before me. Shapes, textures, space, all showing themselves to me. In this moment.

And this moment is all that exists. The now. For the rest of my life.

Speak To Yourself Like This

Speak To Yourself Like This

How often do you speak negatively to yourself or about yourself? 

How often do you speak positively to yourself or about yourself? 

Which question was easier to answer? 

My sister used to say something whenever I said anything mean about myself. It usually went like this:

Me, “I look ugly in this shirt”. 

Her, “Don’t talk shit about my sister like that.” 

The first time she said it, I had to pause and think about what she had said. Then I laughed. Whether she realised she was doing it or not, very subtly she was bringing my attention to the words that were coming out of my mouth. I was “talking shit” about myself without even realising. Would I let someone call my sister ugly right in front of me? Hell no – but look how casually it could creep out my mouth about myself. 

We live in a world where #selfcare is translated to lush bath bombs and face masks (and not that there’s anything wrong with that), but there’s more we should be doing to take care of ourselves

Speaking kindly to ourselves and about ourselves will make more of an impact on our mental health (plus it’s free)!

Why do we let those words slip out of our mouths in the first place? 

Is it a defence mechanism? I’ll say it before they do. 

Is it fear? I’ll say it because they’re probably thinking about it anyways. 

It is just familiar territory? I’ll say it because it’s comfortable to believe it

Most of us probably don’t even notice it. It’s likely just the reaction born out of an interpretation our brain has created of an event that has happened.

Or more simply put, Event —> Interpretation —> Emotion —> Response.

Using this framework, you could see how this would happen:

Event – You completed a work assignment and submitted it to your boss who then asked you to redo it because it wasn’t done correctly.

Interpretation – All of your hard work was for nothing because you have had to redo it. Your boss doesn’t think your work is good enough, so you must not be capable of your job.

Emotion – You’re frustrated with yourself because you now have to revisit something you thought was finished. You don’t feel confident in your ability to do the task because you tried and were rejected.

Response – You say, “I’m horrible at this, I’ll never be able to get it right.”

Whether you believe it or not, it all stems from low self worth. And the way to change it starts with the voice in your head. Start paying attention to this voice, and work to change the message to something more kind, and more realistic. 

Using the example above, just because your boss has asked you to redo something does not mean that you’ll never be able to learn how to do it. In fact, studies show you will learn more from failing than from succeeding.

So what should you say instead in this scenario? What about, “I’m upset that I have to redo it but I’m still learning.” 

You can also work to change your negative self-talk by viewing it from another perspective. 

“I’m grateful my boss is giving me a chance to redo this. If it’s not correct, I want to learn how to do it properly.” 

Change your negative self-talk by being more objective. 

Below are some examples of how to flip the script in your head from negative to objective. 

“I’m never going to be able to do this.” -> “I’m struggling to do this and could use some help.”

“I’m so stupid.” -> “I do struggle with math, but will try my best.” 

“I’ll look disgusting in that shirt.” -> “That style usually doesn’t suit me as well as others.”

It is a process to notice and start correcting these patterns, but awareness is the first step towards change. If you’re struggling to see it in yourself, start with paying attention to the way other people talk about themselves. You’re likely to see a pattern with those who are confident and self assured vs. those who are not – the more fragile their state is, the more likely they are to have negative self-talk happening.

Remember, if you wouldn’t let others say it about your best friend – don’t say it about yourself.

Self care = self esteem.

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